This Is Who I Am

What I would give

2010-07-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

I would give anything to be loved the way I love. If someone could treat me the way I treat them. I would give anything for someone to love me the way I love him. If I could receive that in this lifetime I would be the happiest person alive. I feel like I will never find that person. Like I will never be good enough. I give it my best... and even that isn't good enough.

What I would give to be loved the way I love.

Dear Jacoby Please Dont Leave

2009-09-01T17:24:00.001-07:00

So as many of you know Jacoby is one of my best friends and the rude head is leaving to Mongolia for THREE MONTHS!!!! I am not very happy about it because I'm going to miss him so much. I don't even get to see him very much now unless it's at work because he is living with his parents and they hate my guts. That and now his phone is dead and so I really don't get to see him and its a bit depressing.

To clear things up me and Jacoby have no interest in each other and aren't going out, dating, or anything like that. We are simply just two friends that are of the opposite sex that have a lot in common. I don't really know why I am on here complaining he is going to leave because there is nothing you can do about it at all but I thought I would come and at least talk about it.

So for the next three months everyone needs to come see Adrienne and keep her company because my main fruit squeeze is leaving :(. Oh and just so you know you can't completely replace Jacoby, :) he is my special fruit ha ha. Anyways, I think you all should talk to me I'm bored and rambling.

PEACE!

Green Finch, Linett Bird

2009-07-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Nightingale and black bird how is it you sing?

I feel like Johanna in a way. My car blew up and Quinn's truck isn't running so I'm stuck at home and have to find rides EVERYWHERE! I realized I was more depressed when I couldn't leave when I wanted to. I think when I'm stuck at home I get depressed. I don't think its a good idea for me to not have a car but I can't just go buy one because I don't make good enough money.

I know thats not much of a post but its all I got for now. I'll be back again later.

Adrienne

Well its been a while for this little piggy

2009-06-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

I think that's a song. Yes yes its by stained! I love that song! Its been a very long time since I have written here. A lot of stuff has happened. Quinn got out of jail and now he lives with me, my mom, and my brother.

I also have swine flu. Everyone has been treating me like a life threatening disease. Its really kinda making me depressed because I feel like everyone doesn't care about me. There are a few that don't mind and want to come see me but most everybody else is like, "I'll come see you if I can find a face mask." I'm so sick of everybody freaking out because its killed some people. Most everybody that has died has been small children and elderly people. Those people also die from the common flu. I feel just fine for having the swine flu. I make brownies, cook my food, bathe, and eat like a horse. I don't know why everyone is treating me they way they are. I may as well be the plague.

I really want to see the new transformers movie! It looks pretty pimp-tastic! I'm sick of being cooped up in my house but I can't leave unless I have a face mask. So for 3 days I have been stuck in my house... doing nothing. Its quite boring but at least I have company. That makes it a little easier.

Well thats all I have for right now so I'll let you be. Have fun!

Why did the chicken cross the road???

2009-05-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

Obviously to get away from his traffic tickets, 6 bench warrants, and every cop out there. Unfortunately this dumb chicken was Quinn. Right now I don't know what to do because well Quinn owes more than $2,000.00 in traffic violations and he has had 3 sheriffs try to come get him today. To be honest I don't think he will be coming home from work tonight, although I hope he will. I hope that the cops will lay off him until he can pay off his debts. I think I'm going to convince him to pawn a whole bunch of stuff off so he can put the money towards that. I'm really disappointed he has let it get this out of hand and that he is so negative. He keeps blaming the cops... It wasn't their fault he was driving without insurance. The crappy thing is that only 3 of his warrants will be cleared by that $2,000.00, the other three are completely missing. We went to go see what he owed and well, they were not at the place we thought they were so we will look some more.

Today was the last day of school for me. I feel like I'm missing something for some reason or another. Maybe I'll figure it out but maybe I wont. I just feel like the year was incomplete, whether it was due to the fact I failed math or that I'm going to be a senior next year, I am unsure. It blows my mind I'm going to be a senior. I don't exactly want to be in school a whole other year but I also don't want to ever leave. I fear that when I leave I'll be all scattered and nothing will work out. I guess in a way I am afraid to grow up.

Jacoby is graduating tonight and I can't get him anything this paycheck. My next paycheck though I'm going to get him a graduation gift and also a birthday gift due to the fact he is turning 18 tomorrow! I'm pretty excited.

There is so much going on right now I just can't tell you everything! I want to break down and cry but I want to stand up and sing. I think today is the saddest I have been in like 2 months. Lately my depression hasn't been so bad. I've been happier!!

I have a lot to figure out right now... especially because Quinn won't answer his phone. I'm worried. I have to go I'll write later.

yawn

2009-05-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

Yes I am tired.. Very le tired! I can't stop yawning!

I took a test this morning in adult roles and got 94.6% OH YEAH! It was the end of level test from the state and I passed!

I'm giving blood today and I'm kinda scared actually. I've never done it before but I'm going to at 6:30 and I hope they don't suck my arm dry!! I'll cry and wither away!

I have so much stuff I need to get... Like for instance my snake food and also his new lamp because his broke.. I dont really know why.

I really feel like going swimmin and I can't wait to go. I'm not sure when I'm going but I will soon! I think I'll get a seasons pass! That would be AMAZING! I also want to get a seasons pass to Lagoon. I hope I can. This summer I'm going to get either a better job or a second job. I really need to save a bunch of money this summer to get a new car and possibly a motorcycle.

I'm pretty much excited!

Well see yall later =]

Its HOT HOT HOT!

2009-05-05T13:51:00.001-07:00

Okay so I think thats a song but I'm also probably horribly wrong =]. The sun is way warm today its so nice! I love to breath in the warm grass smell. Also I'm going to start working on at least a tint for my skin so I'm not so white =].

I have so much on my mind I cannot even come close to telling you! Honestly I would have to write a million blogs to even come halfway of telling you everything on my mind. (I think Jacoby once said something to that affect so sorry =/)

I have new baby rats I dont know if I told you guys. They are just starting to grow fur and they are SO FRIGGIN CUTE!! I just want to kiss them to death!

Yeah so thats all I have to say for today =].

My Outta Whack Back

2009-04-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

Today was my check up with the chiropractor and well when I stand vertical my back leans to the left about 2 inches from the strait line its supposed to be in. Then also my neck bones are actually really strait when its supposed to have a curve so its actually starting to buckle inside out. Its going to cost like $2,120.00 and my mom is really frustrated because she doesn't really have the money for it. I'm going to try to help as much as I can. I have to go in every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday (Saturday if I miss an appointment) until my back is better. This can take anywhere from 14-25 weeks. I have a feeling its going to be painful. It already kinda is. I'm going to go in tomorrow before work and see what happens. I'm actually scared.

Also yesterday Tanner brought me roses =]. It was so sweet. Today I took him some daffodils since you all know they are my favorite =].

I had a lactose intolerant attack last night and today. I threw up all over myself in the shower it was so gross ha ha. I am so tired and I like don't want to go to sleep yet.

But I guess I'm going to.

Love Yall!!

I love the daffodils!

2009-04-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

Since spring is now here the daffodils, tulips, and irises are out and my they are beautiful! If only I could get a bouquet of them and I would gaze upon them all day =].

Another thing about them is that they are perennial meaning they will bloom every year in the same spot you keep them. I think that the flower has some guts to do that. I mean it would be hard for me to sit all winter and then at the beginning of spring to come up and bloom after freezing. Its one dedicated flower. That and the 'I Love the Daffodils' song makes me happy as can be. Here are the lyrics for those who have forgotten it =].

I LOVE THE DAFFODILS

I like the flowers.
I love the daffodils.
I like the mountains.
I love the rolling hills.
I like the fireside.
When the lights are high.

bom di ada, bom di ada, bom di ada, bom.
bom di ada, bom di ada, bom di ada, bom.

I like the flowers.
I love the daffodils.
I like the mountains.
I love the rolling hills.
I like the fireside.
When the lights are low.

Also the rhyme;

Daffy-down-dilly
has come to town,
in a yellow petticoat,
and a green gown.

I cannot wait until tomorrow when I go back to the chiropractor and see if something really bad is wrong with my back. Its been hurting a lot and it makes me want to slap a baby (not really though). We are going to go over my X-rays and I hope they put me back on the stem (electric massage) but I want it on my hips because they hurt most. I think that since I have flat feet it makes my back problems worse =[. I am going to ask Dr.Clark about it when I go back in. I also need to find a ice pack as big as my back so if any of you smart people know where to find one let me know =].

Today I was thinking about this one time Tanner and I were up in a tree in a church yard. I think we spent hours up there and I loved it. I wish we did more things like that. We are on a break right now and I hope that during this break we will be able to do cute dates and stuff and start to get along better. I'm taking him daffodils bouquet tomorrow =] I'm excited.

Well I gotta bounce!

MY NEW HAIR AND SUCHIN!!

2009-04-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know that suchin is NOT a word but for the sake of the day, it is =]. Alright so Saturday I went and got my hair done and it look awesome not to brag or anything. I pretty much decided I'm going to marry myself but not really. I dyed it platinum blonde on top and black on bottom. I also cut it. I'm basically going to just take a picture and post it sometime =]. It only came out to be like $52.00 because the girls gave me a killer discount. It took almost 4 hours to get done.

I went to prom and it was a blast. I don't think I've ever sucked down so many helium balloons in one sitting, it was basically awesome. I got kinda sick the next day though... and slept all day. I felt like a lazy bum. I woke up at like 1:something P.M.... ugh. But here is a video of me and people in the elevator!! Hee hee I hope you enjoy my cheap Shakespear =].

Prom 09 (in the elevator)

Today, just a few moments ago, I choked on my root beer. I thought I was going to die... or pass out... AGHHH!!! Ever since I got my tonsils out I have choked easier... Its almost like my tonsils told my throat to close so I didn't choke.

I have decided recently that if I ever got to meet a living singer I would most definitely want to meet Justin Furstenfeld from Blue October. He has given me a lot of inspiration and his ideas, lyrics, and look is just unique and inspiring. Their music is so emotionally impactful. I think you all should go and look them up and see if you like them!(http://www.blueoctoberfan.com/approachingnormal/index.php)

I really like them =] especially Justin and his amazing talented brother Jeremy. P.S you should look for the song blue by them that's where my new nic name came from =].

I went to the chiropractor and I have to go back on Wednesday to make sure my back isn't beyond repair. They took like 4 different X-rays. It was intense (like camping). They also put me on stem which is like an electrical massage (ITS LIKE ADDING MUSCLES TO AN ELECTRICAL STORM WITH REAL LIGHTNING!!) and it tweaks your muscles its pretty much awesome and I LOVE IT!

Later I'm going to write up a whole blog specifically about Blue October and how amazing gorgeous they and their music is! HA HA!!!

Sorry my poem blog is on the halt for a bit I just haven't had time =] I'll get all up on that though =].

HAVE A GOOD DAY PEOPLE!

I feel sick...

2009-04-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

First of all yesterday Tanner asked me to call him after I got off work and usually that means 'when you get home' but I guess I didn't think as deep into it as I should of because he meant 'when I got off work' so I kept him up. I know its only 6 minutes from Provo to my house but I guess its 6 extra minutes he could have been sleeping so now I feel like I never listen and no matter how hard I try I cannot, for the life of me, get it right. I'm trying though.

Also my hip is still retarded. The pain will go away then come back. I honestly feel like a 50 year old woman. My back and hips always hurt. I'm going to a chiropractor tomorrow. Really my worse fear is not being able to have kids because it will cause too much pain or my body cannot handle it. My one thing I ever want to do in this world is have a child but as I get older my possibilities keep decreasing because more and more problems keep coming up. Maybe this is one of the many tests God has sent me or a punishment... In reality I'm not all together sure about it.

Ha ha some girl named Brittany just complimented my nose ring =].

I am so glad the warm sunshine is out because it is starting to make me much happier. I think during the fall and winter I am the most depressed. That and there are not a lot of hours at work so I'm just starting to get it in. One of my most frustrating things right now is that I'm -$175.00 in debt because I've been totally screwed over by a collection agency which my dad payed and they are STILL calling me. I'm so sick of everyone being after me for money. I was going to cancel my hair appointment but Kadee insists to pay for it but my next pay check I'm paying her back in full and I am also going to vacuum and shampoo her car because I feel like its what I need to do. She is always too nice to me. I'm really sad she is moving back to Mona... I don't really want her to.

Anyways I dont have anymore to say......

laterz...

BUZZ BUZZ!!

2009-04-20T19:57:00.001-07:00

So I haven't been on in awhile SORRY! There is a bunch going on!!

So to get my hair the color I want it and the type of style I want its going to be like $80-$100 but I want it so BAD!! I never really spend my money on myself and I think I deserve it so that's what I'm doing! HA!

I want my hair to kinda look like that. Sure its going to be on me and much cooler! I'm pretty excited to do it =D.

So I spent the night with Tanner recently and he made me feel so special. We went to bed and I woke up about 5:00 a.m. I think and I was so sick. I had to go to the bathroom and I honestly thought I was going to barf. He woke up and stayed with me the whole time. It was one of the sweetest things ever! I felt special.

Also on the Tanner note, yesterday I fell on my hip and I think I popped it out of place (yes just like an old lady XD) and since it was so hard to move around he made me lunch and even offered to carry me to my car. It really was sweet. It meant a lot to me in many many ways =]. He has been very sweet lately and I love it =].

So I lost one of my poems I wrote and that's why my poem blog is temporarily on halt! UGH! I'm going to fix it... I have a lot to fix.

So I got Kadee in trouble today because I made her late for work... I'm such a jerk. Also I picked up Jacoby at lunch because his mother is insane! She wont let him hang out with me either... Not a lot of parents like me. Tanners mom likes me =] I call her mom because she's like my second mom. She is short and adorable! Their whole family is I love them to peices.

I hope you all remember how I got my nose pierced, well my dumb nose ring keeps popping out of my face! Its highly irritating and frustrating! I need to get a new ring that doesn't do that. Like a screwy one.

Anyways that's all I really have to say for today =] TTYL!

MY NEW BLOG!

2009-04-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

Hey guys I just wanted to bring to your attention I made a new blog and its strictly my poems. If you want to go see it its at http://three-hundredandsixtyfive.blogspot.com/ or you can also probably find the link to its somewhere on here I'm not sure where it would be =]. I hope you guys will look for it because I'm excited to do it!

On another note Jacoby now works with me and its awesome!

I got the new Blue October CD 'Approaching Normal' and its fantastic! I suggest it to the whole world.

Today I'm going to do all my homework or at least make a good dent in it and get it done!

Yesterday I cleaned out my car and even shampooed my seats!! ITS SO NICE!! A clean car is a happy car and a happy car is a happy Adrienne =].

Quinn is buying me a car in a few weeks but its going to be 'OUR' car somehow we still haven't fixed all the little problems in this plan. Its a little white Saturn. I still think its WAY to big a gift the end.

So really this is all I have to say =]. I have a date on Wednesday with Cameron and I'm pretty excited! I'm most definitely going to dance! But inside not outside, I'm too white to dance other ways.

I love you all!

short and sweet... like salt

2009-04-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure this post is going to be mega short... Okay maybe not as short as last times but pretty short.

First of all my bank account is now $130.00 in overdraft and everyday Wal*Mart (blood sucking parasites who use child labor!!) is charging me $23.00 because they keep trying to submit a check into an account that has NO MONEY!! They are stupid impudent a-holes! I have to go work a under-the-table second job so I can get money to put in my gas tank and get shoes for prom.... I'm so screwed... I also have to get money to get my hair done because my mom isn't going to be there to help me out... DANG YOU DANG YOU TO HECK!!!

Second off I don't have my car today Quinn has it because I was once again too tired to drive my own butt home. We had 4 midnight showings last night at work and I had to work pretty late.

Speaking of work Jacoby now works with me HOORAY! Its going to be pretty intense but not like camping because I'm too angry with the world ha ha ha!

Now speaking of Jacoby he isn't at school today (lucky butt head) and neither is Tiffany... The only two friends I have so I was so bored and lonely at lunch (and since I don't have my car I couldn't go out!) I actually went into my chemistry class and DID homework. Oh my heck it was anything but amazing.

This weekend and spring break I have to do tons of homework and I'm going to cry... a lot... Everyone gets to go home and have fun and I have to stay home being bored doing homework... Technically I don't get a spring break XP.

Anyways that's all I really have to say. HAPPY SPRING BREAK AND HAVE TONS AND TONS OF FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. MY COMMENTS FINALLY WORK HURRAH! (hurrah definitely is more manly that hooray!). Also I had to edit myself because I'm in class which in itself is pretty lame.

I have come to the conclusion

2009-04-06T00:46:00.001-07:00

THAT I AM A WIENER!!

AND FOR ALL THE BOYS READING THIS MINE IS MUCH BIGGER THAN YOURS IS.

THAT IS ALL =]

I am a liar

2009-04-05T00:21:00.000-07:00

I am a liar and a damn good one too. Maybe its not something that I should be proud of but in reality right now its what I want to talk about.

You might not be interested in why I think this is fascinating or you could also read this and think that I have lied to you everyday of your life. You can take what you want from this blog because this is where I am going to ..... *drum roll* TELL THE COMPLETE AND HONEST TRUTH!!!! And if you respond to this blog with any question(s), even if they don't pertain to this subject and I don't care what the question is, I'm going to answer the question full out bluntly without any lies, run arounds, beat arounds, or sugar coating. I understand that many people could possibly get hurt but, that's how the joint rolls.

So you may think to yourself, why this post? What's going on?? Well its simple really, I WANNA! Right now I have so much on my mind I feel like I'm on speed. I'm a druggie without an addiction (thank you Ozzy). So here are some facts about me right now that you might not know and now you do. First off I still cut myself. Maybe not often but I still do, I just choose to hide it. I do it because I like the endorphin rush. The second thing is I know I'm beautiful and whatever but I think the fact that everyone wants to have sex with me really lowers my self esteem to me thinking I'm only good for sex. Maybe it's true but maybe prince charming is out there. Then again maybe he isn't. I think honestly there is no prince charming. I have stopped believing in "true love". The only reason two people come together and stay together forever and ever isn't because they are "soul mates". Its because they couldn't find anything better to do. I honestly never really want to get married. I wont because a few years down the road, your "prince charming" wanted your pants off or wasn't even attracted to you in the first place. There is no prince charming or his white horse.

So also I'm depressed beyond all reasoning. Its pretty ridick. I take care of it in my way though and I know people don't like that. Honestly my friends are my friends and they know, if you don't understand you much not be that close of a friend. I deal with my depression my way. I figure if my mom isn't going to the doctors to get real medicine I'll make my own. People say, "You only think your depression is leaving when it really isn't". REALITY CHECK! I'm with my best friends doing what I like to do. I AM happy and when it's all done and over with I look back the next day and go, "DAMN THAT WAS FUN!" So don't tell me about your 'it's all in your head shit' because it's not.

I just want to make the point I AM NOT depressed as I write this but in a state of openmindedness. Its pretty intense like camping! Life gives you lemons and so you squirt life with lemon juice right in the bloodshot eyes!! Take that life =]. Well I'm going to go to bed since its...... 2:14 in the morning and I have places to be things to see and people to do.. HA HA JUST KIIDDING! Write me back if any of this makes sense because in the morning it might not! I love you all and some I love more than I should or want to.

Adrienne the psychobilly

HO-HUM!!!

2009-04-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today is my ho-hum day.

I got in my car and got water ALL over me AND my car.... pisses me off. My butt is still friggin wet! Then I yelled at my brother and I feel like a total douche bag. I think I made him cry. I officially win the douche bag sister of the year award.

So yesterday Jacoby asked me to prom it was pretty cute. He got a barbie doll car and some frozen sticky buns and put a note on it that said "May I haul your 'buns' to prom?" -Jacoby. I thought it was adorable other than the fact my history class then decided to stop class to discuss mine and Jacoby's relationship. Slightly embarrassing right? So the whole reason there was even water in my car was because I came up with this brilliant elaborate plan to answer him back (which I will not put on here until he gets it in case he gets on here and I ruin the surprise) and well it involved ice... which did not freeze last night! Made me SO mad.

Yeah today I was a complete jerk to my brother and now I'm all wet. Oh and today I went to Mrs.Masters classroom (my adult roles teacher) and then had to go to seminary (clear across the school yard). I got there and they decided to tell me we had leadership (a really stupid thing our charter school has) and I had to go ALL the way back to the school and I was really aggravated by that UGH!!

On the positive side I had two brilliant dreams last night one was terrifying WHILE I was having it but its pretty funny now I can't wait to tell Jacoby and Kadee about them ha ha. I'll have to have more time and post them on here one day. Maybe later today.

Well I have to go my class just got out. I'll try to come back on later.

A sigh of Contentment

2009-03-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

Okay so I don't really even know if contentment is a word but to me right now it is. I have so much on my mind right now and for once its happy things. I feel like I could fly. I have played the wii fit for like 3 days in a row doing yoga and I think that has something to do with my happiness. Also my throat is scabbing over so my throat is all scratchy and dry but its okay because everything else is beautiful!!!

I have Jacoby on my mind... a lot... I have a lot I want to talk to him about but he got grounded because of me.... again. UGH! I always seem to get that child in trouble and I feel horrible!! I wish I could wisk him away fly off into a world of make believe.

Yesterday was my birthday so I turned 17. Its not that exciting being 17 because all I can do is go to rated R movies... oooooo so exciting ha. I was real angry with the world yesterday. Mostly I was in pain and everyone decided to push me around. My boyfriend made me cry.. yeah on my birthday what a but head right?!? So bottom line my birthday sucked ass.

So I started writting this like two days ago and like... I logged onto my profile and there it was.. unfinished. Now its the 31st well now its midnight so its the 1st and I got my nose peirced. I'm totally stoked and it's awesome like ...... well a nose peircing ha ha!

So I'm still happy and need to talk to Jacoby that beautiful boy. Thats all!! I love everyone and in my world everyone loves me!

SEE YA!!

..alone..

2009-03-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

I've decided I really am alone in this world. I though I had people next to me but in reality I don't. Two people in general have made me discover this. I'm not blaming them. In a way I thank them because now I'm not living in ignorance. I'm not being guided mindlessly like a lost stray dog. I would rather not meet people than to meet fake people.

I thought I was going to die today. I got my tonsils out on the 19th and right now is the time they scab over and cause the most pain. Pretty picture isn't it. Okay so I'm in A LOT of pain. I went to take my medicine today and I choked on it because its liquid loratab. I swallowed really weird and started coughing and choking. The force of my cough caused my scabs in my throat to rip off and so my throat started to bleed really bad. So I'm sitting there coughing up spit, blood, and loratab all over my moms floor. My mom doesn't notice right away until she see's me crying and so she runs into the bathroom to get me water... I'm not sure how well that worked out... I stood infront of my bathroom mirror coughing into the sink. My face started to change into a darker color and my lips turned blue... It was then that I honestly thought I was going to die.

It was just about then too that I also realised that.... I don't know anybody. Two of my best friends in the whole wide world have kept secrets from me. My own mom wont tell me who she dates. I have ONE friend who tells me everything. His name is Quinn. I figured if everything went to shit I could be with him... but I dont want to. I had dreams to marry my boyfriend I have right now and have a beautiful family with a cosy home. I wanted to get married in the temple and have something forever. Now... its non-existant. I can't ever go into the temple. I dont know my boyfriend either. He's been trying but its not helping. I feel like I know the outter shell of all of these people but when it comes down to really knowing someone I dont know anyone.... I crave a relationship with someone who wants what I want out of life. Someone who actually wants to do something with their life. I dont want to support someone my whole life and I dont want to be supported. I want happiness. I want to be held at night by someone who loves me. I want to have a bunch of beautiful children who love and adore me as much as I do them. I read romance novels so I can pretende I'm the princess being whisked away. But I guess this isn't a fairy tale. I'm just another Taylor Swift wannabe.

I want to be loved and not alone. I want people to start to tell me the truth and not hide themselves from me. Maybe I want more than I should. One day I'll be loved and I hope that I'lll have the courage to love them back. For now I'm carrying my paintbrush and using it too. I love everyone around me.... I only hope they love me back. I guess it takes almost dying to find out who really is around you and if you really know them. I wonder also if it would have been better if I would have died... but I dont want to die... I'm to afraid of being damned forever. This is all I have for now.. I cant really handle putting anymore.

its hard to follow your dreams when you life is a nightmare

WIRES WIRES WIZZING WIRES!!!

2009-03-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

SOOOO>>>> XP its one of those nights right where your sitting and your brain is like BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! It never shuts up and your screaming at it PLEASE SHUT UP PLEASE SHUT UP PLEASE!!!!!!!! And although your eyes burn and your body is like... blah... you wouldn't be able to sleep anyways.. yeah I'm there =].

I guess really I'm scared because I get my tonsils out in like 2 days and I'm scared shitless. I'm afraid of the pain, of the time it will waste, and my grades. Mostly I don't want to loose the time I could have doing something else but I cant really change that. I'm afraid of feeling like my whole body died except my nerve endings. Some people are out of it for like a month. I don't want that to happen ah!!

I have also decided I really like MSI (Mindless Self Indulgence) and whoever thinks they suck should go choke on a dick... that's all I have to say about that because its true. They are pure brilliance!! And for those in the know I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK JUST LIKE MY METAL!!! I WANNA MAKE SOME BABIES AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO ME I HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE TO MYSELF!!

Its almost been a whole year since one of my best friends in the world has died and well at the end of this post is going to be a poem I wrote for him last year when he passed away. His birthday was this month (March 2nd) and he would have just been 21. I miss him tons he was so adorable!!!!

My birthday is in like 12 days also (March 29th) and I'm pretty pumped up for it!! No not really I'll probably just be in bed... dead... crying eating my pillow in a raging dispair!! Afterwords though Quinn, if you know him, is going to like surprise me with something that is driving my poor non-shutting up brain crazy.. thus causing my insomnia to be like BLAH BLAH BLAH NO ADRIENNE YOU CANNOT SLEEP EVER!!! I don't mind so much though because after my tonsils come out I can sleep all I want ha ha!! I'll sleep in my footy pajamas and wear pig tails and cry to my mom just like I was 2 again. Take that adult life! Take that strait in the jawbone and spin!!

So sorry that this post is way freaking random and your probably somewhere slitting your wrists somewhere but hey =] I like it! So here is the poem =] hope you guys enjoy it.

A Great and
Powerful Struggle

God held a grand council

seeking for a strong soul

that would go down to earth

With a body not so whole.

"Here am I, I will go."

Came forth and spoke a child.

"Your trials will be hard son

your pain will rarely be mild."

"Here am I, I will go."

He uttered yet again.

God bowed his head to him

looking quite uncertain.

Born with a frail frame

the boy was diagnosed

there where only five years

he was thought to live at most.

He continued to fight,

death grasping at his heels,

"Just a little longer."

He pleads with God as he kneels.

One day God called on him,

"Your time is coming near."

They boy understood this

but the young boy did not fear.

The last few months of life

where full of hurt and woe

his body just gave up.

Death’s river started to flow.

An angel came to him,

speaking with a harps grace

"The time is now dear child."

His body went no further.

O’er the whispering clouds

a man with out stretched arms

stood before the young boy

keeping him from any harm.

He delayed a moment

and looked back to the world.

His pain was fine’ly gone

a relief began to unfurl

"Come unto me my son,

"God comforted the child"

You have done what I asked.

"He buried his face and smiled.

They then walked hand in hand

hearing the skies delight"

Our brother has joined us,

He no longer has to fight."

In Memory of Kyle Thomas Jensen March 2, 1988- April 1, 2008He will be forever loved and missed.

Should I?

2009-03-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about posting the short stories and poems I write on my blog but I'm not all together sure if I want to do that yet. If anybody reads this and thinks its a good idea you should let me know. Right now I'm relatively new to this whole blog thing and so I'm not really sure how to do everything. Once again if anybody has suggestions or such let me know so I can make this all cool and such.

So I know this one is way short compared to my other posts but I don't have much to say and really only wanted that one question answered. Let me know how it goes :)

Beauty is Only Skin Deep

2009-03-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I'm sick of people only looking at my outside and not my inside. It doesn't matter if they don't think I'm beautiful enough or too beautiful. Honesty someday I wish I was horribly disfigured so then I would know who my true friends where... but then I probably wouldn't have friends with how shallow this world is.
In this world it seems like I'm not good enough for half the people or too good for the other. I wish people would look at me and be like, "That Adrienne girl is awesome because she has a good personality." not, "She wont do her hair enough." or "She is too beautiful for me." I know this is a weird thing to be complaining about but I just wish I could explain it better. I think the only person who has EVER not cared about my physical appearance was my best friend Kyle. He never cared what I looked like and he never thought I was too pretty for him. I feel... hidden in a way. Like this poem its how I feel.

MY PAINT BRUSH

I keep my paint brush with me

where ever I may go,

in case I need to cover up

so the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show you me,

afraid of what you'll do-

that you might laugh or say mean things.

I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats

to show you the real, true me,

but I want you to try and understand,

I need you to except what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,

I'll strip off all my coats real slow.

Please understand how much it hurts to let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.

I feel naked, bare and cold,

and if you still love me with all that you see,

you are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush though,

and hold it in my hand,

I want to keep it handy,

in case someone doesn't understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend

and thanks for loving my true,

but please let me keep my paint brush with me,

until I love me too.

I know that sounds "emo" to most of you but if it does then maybe you don't really understand. People sometimes only see the mask of me and others see the real me. I think that i only have my mask up to some people and not all. I wrote this next poem on September 27th in 2007.

SOME DAYS...

some days i wish i was horribly disfigured so people would stop hitting on me
some days i wish i was deaf so i couldn't hear what people say to me
some days i wish i was blind so i couldn't see me hurt you
some days i wish i was mute so i couldn't tell you off
some days i wish i was black so i could be a minority
some days i wish i was mentally retarded so i couldn't understand love
some days i wish i was in a coma so i wouldn't have to deal with the world
some days i wish i could be her... so then i could have a break of being me
some days i wish i was shy so you couldn't get to know me
some days i wish i was a bitch so then you couldn't stand me
but most of all i wish i could be me without worrying about breaking another heart....

Most people who are going to read this are going to say how much I whine about my life and hate everything about it but that's a lie. I love my life I would never ask for anything to change. The only thing I want to really change is how people view me. I want them to see Adrienne not just another pretty face. I want to be more than beautiful physically I want to be beautiful every way. I know sometimes what I do makes me not beautiful but I do know I'm trying. For those who know me and do read this try looking past the blue eyes, blonde hair, and strait smile. Look at who I really am. I'm not a supermodel that you should feel ashamed of being around because you don't find yourself to be as 'beautiful' as me and I'm not a hopeless fashion loser either. I'm me and I hope you can one day see that.

A Beautiful Shade of Grey

2009-02-27T00:29:00.000-08:00

As I wonder through the darkness,
choking on my despair
there emerges a figure.
Not a figure of evil,
nor a figure of salvation.
This figure was you.
As I adjusted my eyes to your beauty
your purpose became clear to me.
You haven't come to save me,
but you haven't come to push me under.
Rather you have come to stand next to me.
As I am in the darkness you share your light.
It acts as an umbrella surrounding me,
Trying to find me,
Only at first my darkness hid your light.
But now we stand together

In this perfect shade of grey

In this beautiful shade of grey.

My beautiful shade of grey.

~Adrienne Zobell~

2009

Inspired by Jacoby Nielson

the most innocent boy I know <3

I Believe ... In Forgiveness

2008-11-18T10:01:00.000-08:00

I believe…

When I was in the 8th grade I was molested by my uncle. I’m not here to act as the victim but to tell you the significant change that I went through after. I believe that forgiveness is love.

After the incident, I held my uncle responsible for ruining my life, hurting me, and taking away innocence that I would never be able to get back. After what had happened I began to hurt myself and those around me with many words and actions. My own mother felt like her life was threatened from how my state of mind and body was.

As time went on these feelings only began to become worse. On the day of my uncle’s trial he stood up and apologized directly to me and I couldn't believe he had the nerve to apologize to me for such a crime. I wanted him to die. What he got was a year in jail without work release. To me this wasn't good enough.

About a year later I was sitting in church when the man speaking said, “I dare you to pray for your enemies and forgive your greatest offenders.” My mind immediately went to my uncle and the things he did. I felt like calling the man talking stupid. There was no way someone like my uncle deserved to be forgiven. Regardless, I actually went home and tried this. That night I prayed for my uncle and asked for the strength to forgive him.

That night changed my whole life. A sort of pity for my uncle came over me and I realized he has paid his time. He has to live with this suffering and guilt for the rest of his life. I look back and feel horrible for ever feeling that way and hurting my family. I believe that you cannot condemn someone or judge them. That judgment is up to God. I found out that night that I still love my uncle and that holding that burning hate toward him only blocked his progress along with mine. I had to forgive him, and so I did.

Forgiveness is a big thing in life. If you continue to hold a grudge against somebody long enough, it ends up that you are actually holding the grudge against yourself. When you finally let go and forgive the person who did you wrong, you let go of all the negative feelings you have kept bottled up inside of you. When those bad feelings are kept inside of you they start to convince you that they are about you.

To this day I believe that forgiveness is a key part of happiness. Without it, I think people’s souls would be utterly useless. I love my uncle and I hope that one day he can be part of my life again. I believe that this one act of forgiveness has made me the person I am today. Forgiveness is love, this I believe.

I am beautiful

2008-11-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

I am the most beautiful person.

As the candle lit room shines off of my wet skin I know, I am the most beautiful person alive. The bubbles that surround me cover my flaws and accentuate my accents. The candle and aromas around me go in my nose and deep into my soul. The lights are out and the only thing that allows me to see is the candle that is lightly flickering in the corner of the tub. The warm water warms my body and my heart. Here my skin has a silky finish. It doesn't matter if I have shaved my legs, if my face is broke out, or my fleshy stomach is sticking out. Here I can be me. I can be beautiful.

I am alone listening to the sounds of heaven leak through the air and into the very depths of me. The soft lullaby relaxed my muscles and clears my mind of all negativity. I am a magnet of beauty and calmness. As I am submerged in the soapy water my pain and hurt is washed away. I am the only one who exists and my self consciousness is virtually gone.

Nothing can hurt me here. I am the source of all strength and all power. I am my own protector.

Being submerged in this bath is like being submerged into the waters of life. It is refreshing, beautifying, and relaxing. This is why I am the most beautiful person in the world. Nobody else exists. I am the most beautiful person in the world when I am in the life waters of the tub.

Crying Out Loud

2008-10-28T21:35:00.002-07:00

I am in a point in my life where I don't know what to do. I am hurting so much on my insides and I'm just not sure what I want or need. I was called to receive a calling and the first question I was asked was if I believed that I was worthy of receiving it. I knew that I'm not and it hurts so badly. I am being restricted from many blessings that the Lord is so willingly giving to me. I realized that I need more help than I expected I did today and so I am going to talk to my bishop about it later on.

I feel alone in this though. I know that my Heavenly Father is always by my side and his son Jesus Christ is there for me at all times but I can't help but feeling like I am very alone going through this at this time. It took two to tango to get into this mess but it seems like its only me paying the price. My mom says that its not fair for what I'm going through and that I have to go through it alone but I don't feel like its that big of a problem. It seems like no matter how hard I try lately nothing is getting done and nothing is progressing including myself.

I realized that my problem is that I cannot say no. I know that I really need to work on it because I am letting too many people push me around, take advantage of me, and keep me from trying to fulfill my true potential. I have so much more I can become and I am holding myself back from that. If I could be strengthened to be able to stop letting people walk all over me than I would be closer to my desired place in the world and how I feel inside. I'm working on it and it's really hard but I'll get it one day. For now I can only be me.

Does Supporting War Keep You From Being Peaceful?

2008-10-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in my room one day, my boyfriend and I got into an argument pertaining to the question, can you believe in war and still be peaceful? He answered no and since this is and argument I answered no. Like all arguments I have gotten into with him my side did not get very far because as always I bottled all of my emotions into the little jar inside of myself. Well now my jar is becoming very pressurized and about to erupt with emotion so here I go to at least loosen the lid and let some of the frustrating components leak out.
I think I am a pretty peaceful person when it comes to many things. I usually try to do as much for others without complaining, I want to see the ending of world hunger, and I want this pointless war to end. Now your probably thinking, didn't this whole thing start with me supporting war? Well yes but not a POINTLESS war. This war we have today has gone on too long and now all we are doing is killing innocent people who do not want us in their country. I know that if someone came on American soil to patrol and force peace and new culture and everything they believed in on us I would retaliate just like the people we are fighting are doing. I believe in fighting for something you believe in. My boyfriend, Tanner, told me that to solve things we do not need violence and that we should solve all of our troubles with peace, love and understanding. I can recall many bible stories in which God himself instructed his people to take up arms and defend themselves. I don't believe in starting a war but I do believe in defending the people you cherish and protecting them from all forms of harm and unhappiness. If all of a sudden all other religions decided to come and attack the Mormons and sentence them to death and it caused a war, I would stand on the front lines to defend me, my family, my friends, and my religion. I never really got around to saying these things to Tanner because of this dumb automatic jar in me but I can write it here and defend my feelings and beliefs. Its just me and the background, no one to tell me I'm wrong or tell me my ideas are stupid. I am myself and my ideas are my own.