A sigh of Contentment

Okay so I don't really even know if contentment is a word but to me right now it is. I have so much on my mind right now and for once its happy things. I feel like I could fly. I have played the wii fit for like 3 days in a row doing yoga and I think that has something to do with my happiness. Also my throat is scabbing over so my throat is all scratchy and dry but its okay because everything else is beautiful!!!

I have Jacoby on my mind... a lot... I have a lot I want to talk to him about but he got grounded because of me.... again. UGH! I always seem to get that child in trouble and I feel horrible!! I wish I could wisk him away fly off into a world of make believe.

Yesterday was my birthday so I turned 17. Its not that exciting being 17 because all I can do is go to rated R movies... oooooo so exciting ha. I was real angry with the world yesterday. Mostly I was in pain and everyone decided to push me around. My boyfriend made me cry.. yeah on my birthday what a but head right?!? So bottom line my birthday sucked ass.

So I started writting this like two days ago and like... I logged onto my profile and there it was.. unfinished. Now its the 31st well now its midnight so its the 1st and I got my nose peirced. I'm totally stoked and it's awesome like ...... well a nose peircing ha ha!

So I'm still happy and need to talk to Jacoby that beautiful boy. Thats all!! I love everyone and in my world everyone loves me!

SEE YA!!

..alone..

I've decided I really am alone in this world. I though I had people next to me but in reality I don't. Two people in general have made me discover this. I'm not blaming them. In a way I thank them because now I'm not living in ignorance. I'm not being guided mindlessly like a lost stray dog. I would rather not meet people than to meet fake people.

I thought I was going to die today. I got my tonsils out on the 19th and right now is the time they scab over and cause the most pain. Pretty picture isn't it. Okay so I'm in A LOT of pain. I went to take my medicine today and I choked on it because its liquid loratab. I swallowed really weird and started coughing and choking. The force of my cough caused my scabs in my throat to rip off and so my throat started to bleed really bad. So I'm sitting there coughing up spit, blood, and loratab all over my moms floor. My mom doesn't notice right away until she see's me crying and so she runs into the bathroom to get me water... I'm not sure how well that worked out... I stood infront of my bathroom mirror coughing into the sink. My face started to change into a darker color and my lips turned blue... It was then that I honestly thought I was going to die.

It was just about then too that I also realised that.... I don't know anybody. Two of my best friends in the whole wide world have kept secrets from me. My own mom wont tell me who she dates. I have ONE friend who tells me everything. His name is Quinn. I figured if everything went to shit I could be with him... but I dont want to. I had dreams to marry my boyfriend I have right now and have a beautiful family with a cosy home. I wanted to get married in the temple and have something forever. Now... its non-existant. I can't ever go into the temple. I dont know my boyfriend either. He's been trying but its not helping. I feel like I know the outter shell of all of these people but when it comes down to really knowing someone I dont know anyone.... I crave a relationship with someone who wants what I want out of life. Someone who actually wants to do something with their life. I dont want to support someone my whole life and I dont want to be supported. I want happiness. I want to be held at night by someone who loves me. I want to have a bunch of beautiful children who love and adore me as much as I do them. I read romance novels so I can pretende I'm the princess being whisked away. But I guess this isn't a fairy tale. I'm just another Taylor Swift wannabe.

I want to be loved and not alone. I want people to start to tell me the truth and not hide themselves from me. Maybe I want more than I should. One day I'll be loved and I hope that I'lll have the courage to love them back. For now I'm carrying my paintbrush and using it too. I love everyone around me.... I only hope they love me back. I guess it takes almost dying to find out who really is around you and if you really know them. I wonder also if it would have been better if I would have died... but I dont want to die... I'm to afraid of being damned forever. This is all I have for now.. I cant really handle putting anymore.


its hard to follow your dreams when you life is a nightmare

WIRES WIRES WIZZING WIRES!!!

SOOOO>>>> XP its one of those nights right where your sitting and your brain is like BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! It never shuts up and your screaming at it PLEASE SHUT UP PLEASE SHUT UP PLEASE!!!!!!!! And although your eyes burn and your body is like... blah... you wouldn't be able to sleep anyways.. yeah I'm there =].



I guess really I'm scared because I get my tonsils out in like 2 days and I'm scared shitless. I'm afraid of the pain, of the time it will waste, and my grades. Mostly I don't want to loose the time I could have doing something else but I cant really change that. I'm afraid of feeling like my whole body died except my nerve endings. Some people are out of it for like a month. I don't want that to happen ah!!



I have also decided I really like MSI (Mindless Self Indulgence) and whoever thinks they suck should go choke on a dick... that's all I have to say about that because its true. They are pure brilliance!! And for those in the know I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK JUST LIKE MY METAL!!! I WANNA MAKE SOME BABIES AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO ME I HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE TO MYSELF!!



Its almost been a whole year since one of my best friends in the world has died and well at the end of this post is going to be a poem I wrote for him last year when he passed away. His birthday was this month (March 2nd) and he would have just been 21. I miss him tons he was so adorable!!!!

My birthday is in like 12 days also (March 29th) and I'm pretty pumped up for it!! No not really I'll probably just be in bed... dead... crying eating my pillow in a raging dispair!! Afterwords though Quinn, if you know him, is going to like surprise me with something that is driving my poor non-shutting up brain crazy.. thus causing my insomnia to be like BLAH BLAH BLAH NO ADRIENNE YOU CANNOT SLEEP EVER!!! I don't mind so much though because after my tonsils come out I can sleep all I want ha ha!! I'll sleep in my footy pajamas and wear pig tails and cry to my mom just like I was 2 again. Take that adult life! Take that strait in the jawbone and spin!!



So sorry that this post is way freaking random and your probably somewhere slitting your wrists somewhere but hey =] I like it! So here is the poem =] hope you guys enjoy it.

A Great and
Powerful Struggle

God held a grand council

seeking for a strong soul

that would go down to earth

With a body not so whole.

"Here am I, I will go."

Came forth and spoke a child.

"Your trials will be hard son

your pain will rarely be mild."

"Here am I, I will go."

He uttered yet again.

God bowed his head to him

looking quite uncertain.

Born with a frail frame

the boy was diagnosed

there where only five years

he was thought to live at most.

He continued to fight,

death grasping at his heels,

"Just a little longer."

He pleads with God as he kneels.

One day God called on him,

"Your time is coming near."

They boy understood this

but the young boy did not fear.

The last few months of life

where full of hurt and woe

his body just gave up.

Death’s river started to flow.

An angel came to him,

speaking with a harps grace

"The time is now dear child."

His body went no further.

O’er the whispering clouds

a man with out stretched arms

stood before the young boy

keeping him from any harm.

He delayed a moment

and looked back to the world.

His pain was fine’ly gone

a relief began to unfurl

"Come unto me my son,

"God comforted the child"

You have done what I asked.

"He buried his face and smiled.

They then walked hand in hand

hearing the skies delight"

Our brother has joined us,

He no longer has to fight."

In Memory of Kyle Thomas Jensen March 2, 1988- April 1, 2008He will be forever loved and missed.

Should I?

I'm thinking about posting the short stories and poems I write on my blog but I'm not all together sure if I want to do that yet. If anybody reads this and thinks its a good idea you should let me know. Right now I'm relatively new to this whole blog thing and so I'm not really sure how to do everything. Once again if anybody has suggestions or such let me know so I can make this all cool and such.

So I know this one is way short compared to my other posts but I don't have much to say and really only wanted that one question answered. Let me know how it goes :)

Beauty is Only Skin Deep

I have decided that I'm sick of people only looking at my outside and not my inside. It doesn't matter if they don't think I'm beautiful enough or too beautiful. Honesty someday I wish I was horribly disfigured so then I would know who my true friends where... but then I probably wouldn't have friends with how shallow this world is.
In this world it seems like I'm not good enough for half the people or too good for the other. I wish people would look at me and be like, "That Adrienne girl is awesome because she has a good personality." not, "She wont do her hair enough." or "She is too beautiful for me." I know this is a weird thing to be complaining about but I just wish I could explain it better. I think the only person who has EVER not cared about my physical appearance was my best friend Kyle. He never cared what I looked like and he never thought I was too pretty for him. I feel... hidden in a way. Like this poem its how I feel.

MY PAINT BRUSH

I keep my paint brush with me

where ever I may go,

in case I need to cover up

so the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show you me,

afraid of what you'll do-

that you might laugh or say mean things.

I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats

to show you the real, true me,

but I want you to try and understand,

I need you to except what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,

I'll strip off all my coats real slow.

Please understand how much it hurts to let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.

I feel naked, bare and cold,

and if you still love me with all that you see,

you are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush though,

and hold it in my hand,

I want to keep it handy,

in case someone doesn't understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend

and thanks for loving my true,

but please let me keep my paint brush with me,

until I love me too.

I know that sounds "emo" to most of you but if it does then maybe you don't really understand. People sometimes only see the mask of me and others see the real me. I think that i only have my mask up to some people and not all. I wrote this next poem on September 27th in 2007.

SOME DAYS...

some days i wish i was horribly disfigured so people would stop hitting on me
some days i wish i was deaf so i couldn't hear what people say to me
some days i wish i was blind so i couldn't see me hurt you
some days i wish i was mute so i couldn't tell you off
some days i wish i was black so i could be a minority
some days i wish i was mentally retarded so i couldn't understand love
some days i wish i was in a coma so i wouldn't have to deal with the world
some days i wish i could be her... so then i could have a break of being me
some days i wish i was shy so you couldn't get to know me
some days i wish i was a bitch so then you couldn't stand me
but most of all i wish i could be me without worrying about breaking another heart....

Most people who are going to read this are going to say how much I whine about my life and hate everything about it but that's a lie. I love my life I would never ask for anything to change. The only thing I want to really change is how people view me. I want them to see Adrienne not just another pretty face. I want to be more than beautiful physically I want to be beautiful every way. I know sometimes what I do makes me not beautiful but I do know I'm trying. For those who know me and do read this try looking past the blue eyes, blonde hair, and strait smile. Look at who I really am. I'm not a supermodel that you should feel ashamed of being around because you don't find yourself to be as 'beautiful' as me and I'm not a hopeless fashion loser either. I'm me and I hope you can one day see that.