Beauty is Only Skin Deep

I have decided that I'm sick of people only looking at my outside and not my inside. It doesn't matter if they don't think I'm beautiful enough or too beautiful. Honesty someday I wish I was horribly disfigured so then I would know who my true friends where... but then I probably wouldn't have friends with how shallow this world is.
In this world it seems like I'm not good enough for half the people or too good for the other. I wish people would look at me and be like, "That Adrienne girl is awesome because she has a good personality." not, "She wont do her hair enough." or "She is too beautiful for me." I know this is a weird thing to be complaining about but I just wish I could explain it better. I think the only person who has EVER not cared about my physical appearance was my best friend Kyle. He never cared what I looked like and he never thought I was too pretty for him. I feel... hidden in a way. Like this poem its how I feel.

MY PAINT BRUSH

I keep my paint brush with me

where ever I may go,

in case I need to cover up

so the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show you me,

afraid of what you'll do-

that you might laugh or say mean things.

I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats

to show you the real, true me,

but I want you to try and understand,

I need you to except what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,

I'll strip off all my coats real slow.

Please understand how much it hurts to let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.

I feel naked, bare and cold,

and if you still love me with all that you see,

you are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush though,

and hold it in my hand,

I want to keep it handy,

in case someone doesn't understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend

and thanks for loving my true,

but please let me keep my paint brush with me,

until I love me too.

I know that sounds "emo" to most of you but if it does then maybe you don't really understand. People sometimes only see the mask of me and others see the real me. I think that i only have my mask up to some people and not all. I wrote this next poem on September 27th in 2007.

SOME DAYS...

some days i wish i was horribly disfigured so people would stop hitting on me
some days i wish i was deaf so i couldn't hear what people say to me
some days i wish i was blind so i couldn't see me hurt you
some days i wish i was mute so i couldn't tell you off
some days i wish i was black so i could be a minority
some days i wish i was mentally retarded so i couldn't understand love
some days i wish i was in a coma so i wouldn't have to deal with the world
some days i wish i could be her... so then i could have a break of being me
some days i wish i was shy so you couldn't get to know me
some days i wish i was a bitch so then you couldn't stand me
but most of all i wish i could be me without worrying about breaking another heart....

Most people who are going to read this are going to say how much I whine about my life and hate everything about it but that's a lie. I love my life I would never ask for anything to change. The only thing I want to really change is how people view me. I want them to see Adrienne not just another pretty face. I want to be more than beautiful physically I want to be beautiful every way. I know sometimes what I do makes me not beautiful but I do know I'm trying. For those who know me and do read this try looking past the blue eyes, blonde hair, and strait smile. Look at who I really am. I'm not a supermodel that you should feel ashamed of being around because you don't find yourself to be as 'beautiful' as me and I'm not a hopeless fashion loser either. I'm me and I hope you can one day see that.