..alone..

I've decided I really am alone in this world. I though I had people next to me but in reality I don't. Two people in general have made me discover this. I'm not blaming them. In a way I thank them because now I'm not living in ignorance. I'm not being guided mindlessly like a lost stray dog. I would rather not meet people than to meet fake people.

I thought I was going to die today. I got my tonsils out on the 19th and right now is the time they scab over and cause the most pain. Pretty picture isn't it. Okay so I'm in A LOT of pain. I went to take my medicine today and I choked on it because its liquid loratab. I swallowed really weird and started coughing and choking. The force of my cough caused my scabs in my throat to rip off and so my throat started to bleed really bad. So I'm sitting there coughing up spit, blood, and loratab all over my moms floor. My mom doesn't notice right away until she see's me crying and so she runs into the bathroom to get me water... I'm not sure how well that worked out... I stood infront of my bathroom mirror coughing into the sink. My face started to change into a darker color and my lips turned blue... It was then that I honestly thought I was going to die.

It was just about then too that I also realised that.... I don't know anybody. Two of my best friends in the whole wide world have kept secrets from me. My own mom wont tell me who she dates. I have ONE friend who tells me everything. His name is Quinn. I figured if everything went to shit I could be with him... but I dont want to. I had dreams to marry my boyfriend I have right now and have a beautiful family with a cosy home. I wanted to get married in the temple and have something forever. Now... its non-existant. I can't ever go into the temple. I dont know my boyfriend either. He's been trying but its not helping. I feel like I know the outter shell of all of these people but when it comes down to really knowing someone I dont know anyone.... I crave a relationship with someone who wants what I want out of life. Someone who actually wants to do something with their life. I dont want to support someone my whole life and I dont want to be supported. I want happiness. I want to be held at night by someone who loves me. I want to have a bunch of beautiful children who love and adore me as much as I do them. I read romance novels so I can pretende I'm the princess being whisked away. But I guess this isn't a fairy tale. I'm just another Taylor Swift wannabe.

I want to be loved and not alone. I want people to start to tell me the truth and not hide themselves from me. Maybe I want more than I should. One day I'll be loved and I hope that I'lll have the courage to love them back. For now I'm carrying my paintbrush and using it too. I love everyone around me.... I only hope they love me back. I guess it takes almost dying to find out who really is around you and if you really know them. I wonder also if it would have been better if I would have died... but I dont want to die... I'm to afraid of being damned forever. This is all I have for now.. I cant really handle putting anymore.


its hard to follow your dreams when you life is a nightmare