Crying Out Loud

I am in a point in my life where I don't know what to do. I am hurting so much on my insides and I'm just not sure what I want or need. I was called to receive a calling and the first question I was asked was if I believed that I was worthy of receiving it. I knew that I'm not and it hurts so badly. I am being restricted from many blessings that the Lord is so willingly giving to me. I realized that I need more help than I expected I did today and so I am going to talk to my bishop about it later on.

I feel alone in this though. I know that my Heavenly Father is always by my side and his son Jesus Christ is there for me at all times but I can't help but feeling like I am very alone going through this at this time. It took two to tango to get into this mess but it seems like its only me paying the price. My mom says that its not fair for what I'm going through and that I have to go through it alone but I don't feel like its that big of a problem. It seems like no matter how hard I try lately nothing is getting done and nothing is progressing including myself.

I realized that my problem is that I cannot say no. I know that I really need to work on it because I am letting too many people push me around, take advantage of me, and keep me from trying to fulfill my true potential. I have so much more I can become and I am holding myself back from that. If I could be strengthened to be able to stop letting people walk all over me than I would be closer to my desired place in the world and how I feel inside. I'm working on it and it's really hard but I'll get it one day. For now I can only be me.

Does Supporting War Keep You From Being Peaceful?

As I was sitting in my room one day, my boyfriend and I got into an argument pertaining to the question, can you believe in war and still be peaceful? He answered no and since this is and argument I answered no. Like all arguments I have gotten into with him my side did not get very far because as always I bottled all of my emotions into the little jar inside of myself. Well now my jar is becoming very pressurized and about to erupt with emotion so here I go to at least loosen the lid and let some of the frustrating components leak out.
I think I am a pretty peaceful person when it comes to many things. I usually try to do as much for others without complaining, I want to see the ending of world hunger, and I want this pointless war to end. Now your probably thinking, didn't this whole thing start with me supporting war? Well yes but not a POINTLESS war. This war we have today has gone on too long and now all we are doing is killing innocent people who do not want us in their country. I know that if someone came on American soil to patrol and force peace and new culture and everything they believed in on us I would retaliate just like the people we are fighting are doing. I believe in fighting for something you believe in. My boyfriend, Tanner, told me that to solve things we do not need violence and that we should solve all of our troubles with peace, love and understanding. I can recall many bible stories in which God himself instructed his people to take up arms and defend themselves. I don't believe in starting a war but I do believe in defending the people you cherish and protecting them from all forms of harm and unhappiness. If all of a sudden all other religions decided to come and attack the Mormons and sentence them to death and it caused a war, I would stand on the front lines to defend me, my family, my friends, and my religion. I never really got around to saying these things to Tanner because of this dumb automatic jar in me but I can write it here and defend my feelings and beliefs. Its just me and the background, no one to tell me I'm wrong or tell me my ideas are stupid. I am myself and my ideas are my own.