A Search for Spark

As we get older we realize that people who were once our closest most reliable friends have faded into ghosts. I was reading as study that says that if you are friends for more than 7 years you are unlikely to lose them as a friend. I have decided that either this is a) a lie to make teenagers giggle and buy BFF necklaces or b)none of these people grow up to have families or lives. I often wonder what changed. I look how I felt when I was around them as a kid and I could never imagine being apart. Now getting any type of time to spend with them is like searching for Waldo, not impossible but gets old after a few pages in. I miss that spark. The one where when you come together as a pair or group, you all hold your own spark. When one spark lights then it fuels this ever going power source. You feel euphoric, invincible, and on top of the world.

I never imagined myself feeling as old as I do as fast as I have. I feel like that settled in 40 year old who never does anything. My friends have vanished. I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like my life has resulted in punching in and out, dirty diapers, and a never ending pile of laundry. All my friends are out having fun, living life, being unique. I guess in a way I envy them. I envy the way they can just freely drop everything and go out. I envy the way they are loved and praised by everyone around them. I envy that spark they still hold. I do not regret my decision to start a family. My son is my world, I have a loving caring husband, and we are so very excited to be introducing our newest addition in August. However its hard. I figured once I started a family I would have other parents to go out with, other people that have kids or are married. I figured there would be someone out there who I would still be able to reach out to and find my spark. Instead I find myself finding people that look like they could have a spark but its kept away from me. They keep their spark stored for the people they enjoy creating a ongoing power source with.

Too much has changed since high school. Pounds have been added on, age, wisdom, and other things that seem to hinder your search for spark. They say that your true personality never changes from when your a kid but only enhances and molds with you. The core of it stays the same. I have to wonder if I have always been a old hag then. I feel like I used to be fun, energetic, and outgoing. Now it seems like unless your have a vocabulary of 20 words or less I cant have a decent conversation with you. I have lost touch with reality. With no real adult companionship I have slowly lost my social charm. Adults frighten me. They require real effort to speak with. They do not think of you as highly as your children do and therefore do not find you nearly as impressive. The food stains on your clothes disgust them. Your giant Mary Poppins bag of snacks and goodies only give them a visual of how much of a burden you are on them. What you see as the most beautiful gift of all they see as the obnoxious cling on that requires far too much time, attention, and effort. I find trying to have fun with friends without kids exhausting. You have to constantly be apologizing for your child's actions. People without children don't have childproof homes. They have things that aren't meant for touching, exploring, and learning. Single people who have roommates are even more terrifying. Not only do you have the person you have spent so much of your life with judging you for something they can't even imagine having to deal with, but you have to tip toe around a complete strangers belongings and neat nick-knacks. Social outings become somewhat of a rainstorm on your spark.

I have accepted that my spark is gone for now. I look in my toy/crumb filled SUV and wouldn't change it for the world. Seeing my son smile and call me Mamma everyday after work makes it worth it. For now I will wait for my new spark. My future companion that will fuel my spark. It might be a few years until then. I might have to wait until Titan starts getting friends, and we start meeting their parents. Maybe until I have an empty nest again I won't have a companion spark. Either way, future spark, I will wait. I only hope your not as dim as I am. If you are do not worry, for when we meet we will glow with energy. We will feel like high school kids again. We will find excitement in things we have in common. Hang in there little spark, I am. As for my old sparks, you will always hold a place in my heart. I only hope your new sparks bring as much joy as ours did.

Then What DID You Mean?

Over the weekend my husband and I got in a pretty serious fight. I had fallen asleep on my Aunts couch to only wake up an hour later to the hardest thing I have ever heard. He was talking about 'if I could go back and do it again'.

If I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't be sitting here with you guys.

-Trevor

You wouldn't be with Adrienne?

-Kaylee

No I would be playing football, I got a scholarship to Snow College.

-Trevor

I immediately got up, dressed our son, put his jacket on, and proceeded to leave. To skip over the dramatics we had a fight where I just told him to go. Leave me alone. That I was going home and I wanted him to just leave me alone. I drove home where he of course followed me, and then we had a discussion and the next day he made me breakfast in bed and bought me flowers. I appreciate his sentiment but still have so many unanswered questions and I'm not sure what I am feeling.

First off he says he didn't mean it the way I took it but everyone else did too and I feel he made it pretty clear what he meant. Me and our son are his now. He basically said he would give up his now to go back and do it all over again. I don't see how it could get any more clear than that. This makes me wonder about if I could go back and do it all over again. I know I would deal with part of it because he gave me the most perfect little boy anyone could imagine. I would not give that up for the world or all the riches in it. However sometimes I don't know if I would actually marry my husband if I could go back and do it all over again. We have gone through some really hard things that emotionally drain me. Don't get me wrong I love my husband very much but the spark has gone. I have been personally struggling in our marriage then to wake up and here those words made it solid in my mind that part of me wants to give up and walk away. I gave up a lot to marry my husband and part of me always wonders if it was worth it.

I think the worst part of all this is when I heard what he heard I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, I just felt so numb and empty. Part of me was okay. Part of me wanted the falling out. I just gave up. Even know I don't have any real emotion towards it. I know we need to go to marriage counseling. I don't necessarily break up our family unit but I do want to not be in so much emotional agony. I want to feel like myself how I used to be. I feel like I used to be a beautiful butterfly and now I am just a grey dull moth. I want to shine and be happy but I feel so grungy. I used to be such a free spirit. Now I am a capture in a cage of my own despair. I wish I understood my emotion.

In the end I don't know where to go from here. For now I will keep fighting but I don't know how long my tired soul will continue to fight. In the end I can at least say I tried.

Yeah, this is what my life is about. I might've been gone but I never walked out.

-Blue October, The Worry List

If You Weren't Born One, You Cant Be One

I'm talking about morning people. If you weren't born a morning person I don't think you will ever become one. I took this job (6am-3pm) thinking, "Well one day I will just get used to waking up that early and it will be no big thing. WRONG! The more I try the more tired I am through the day. I even try to go to sleep early. Like last night I went to bed around 8:30 (with a 18 month old thats amazing!) and I woke up at 4:45 like usual and I was still exhausted! I have tried to look up things that might help like herbal supplements, detox drinks, and vitamins but I am not finding anything! I know one of my biggest problems is that I don't exercise nearly as much as I need to (by that I mean not at all). I need to get in better health and boost my energy without taking any harmful supplements. Has anyone tried anything in the past?

On another note I have been working on homemade Christmas presents for my family. This is difficult for several reasons. The first being that I have a very large family. This racks up my labor hours like crazy. Second, trying to do anything productive with a toddler is like raking leaves during a windstorm. I made this very cute wood sign that I was very proud of! I glowed with pride! I went into my kitchen to get a drink for my son and when I returned my son had scribbled all over my project. 3 coats of paint later I still have not covered up the scribbles! My pride was extinguished to a smolder. Cleaning is the same way. I pick up one room to go to the other and find it as if a tornado had just ran through it. I don't understand how some people can keep their entire house spotless with kids around. Either their kids are less active than mine or I just have too much stuff!

It feels really good blogging again. I love letting my inner thoughts out onto a public forum! I hope that you readers find something useful in my writings. I have also decided to redo my 365 poems in 365 days blog. I hope you will read that blog too and put in some input! Thanks for the support!

Its been a long time

I don't know how many people even come on here anymore. I have recently decided I want to start blogging again. I need somewhere to express my feelings, to let out emotion. That's what blogging is for anyways right? An online diary that you hope some other people may or may not look at and feel the exact same way you do. Its funny how we come up with ways to connect with people. To feel like we are not alone and that somewhere out there is someone else just as alone and confused as you are with your problems. For any of you out there reading this know that I am one of those people who can relate to you, can feel for you. I will support you and be one of those people who knows exactly how you feel. Feel free to talk to me, I have an open heart and will never shoot down any idea or believe you have. This is going to be my love share blog!

What I would give

I would give anything to be loved the way I love. If someone could treat me the way I treat them. I would give anything for someone to love me the way I love him. If I could receive that in this lifetime I would be the happiest person alive. I feel like I will never find that person. Like I will never be good enough. I give it my best... and even that isn't good enough.

What I would give to be loved the way I love.

Dear Jacoby Please Dont Leave

So as many of you know Jacoby is one of my best friends and the rude head is leaving to Mongolia for THREE MONTHS!!!! I am not very happy about it because I'm going to miss him so much. I don't even get to see him very much now unless it's at work because he is living with his parents and they hate my guts. That and now his phone is dead and so I really don't get to see him and its a bit depressing.

To clear things up me and Jacoby have no interest in each other and aren't going out, dating, or anything like that. We are simply just two friends that are of the opposite sex that have a lot in common. I don't really know why I am on here complaining he is going to leave because there is nothing you can do about it at all but I thought I would come and at least talk about it.

So for the next three months everyone needs to come see Adrienne and keep her company because my main fruit squeeze is leaving :(. Oh and just so you know you can't completely replace Jacoby, :) he is my special fruit ha ha. Anyways, I think you all should talk to me I'm bored and rambling.

PEACE!

Green Finch, Linett Bird

Nightingale and black bird how is it you sing?

I feel like Johanna in a way. My car blew up and Quinn's truck isn't running so I'm stuck at home and have to find rides EVERYWHERE! I realized I was more depressed when I couldn't leave when I wanted to. I think when I'm stuck at home I get depressed. I don't think its a good idea for me to not have a car but I can't just go buy one because I don't make good enough money.

I know thats not much of a post but its all I got for now. I'll be back again later.

Adrienne